Jenna's Ride Home

 Jenna's Ride Home

Jenna and mom were on their way back home from Jenna's dentist's appointment, well, it wasn't home really, it was where they were crashing for now. Dad and mom were getting divorced and mom moved them to Aunt Jonie's desert ranch. Jenna missed the oceanside life but those winds and fire perfectly matched the destruction of the divorce. There would be no settlement negotiations, divvying up of joint possessions (ha, JOINT) "He can have that pile of smoldering rubble for all I care!" mom said.

Aunt Jonie was the opposite of mom. Aunt Jonie had her poop in a group. The ranch was pretty cool too. It was not a ranch per se, it was an earthship made of tires and bottles. Jenna had her own room and they had moved there days before the historical fire that decimated Malibu so she had her hamster and Polly Pockets.

"Mother, what sense is there in going to the dentist if all my baby teeth are gonna fall out anyway?"

"I don't know Jenna, it does seem like a waste of money we don't have right now...It's just something we humans have to do."

"Well, it's gross. I get the use of baking soda for toothpaste, it is alkaline and abrasive, but what that dentist lady used was an icky paste that tasted like bubble gum. I can still taste it and it is making me nauseous!"

Jenna's mom reached down for her bottle of Snapple and handed it back while keeping her eyes on the road, "Here, baby, drink this."

Jenna took the peach tea and drank it.

"Oh WOW!"

"What is it, Jenna?"

"Now my mouth tastes like...like rancid pesto."

"How do you know what rancid pesto tastes like?"

"Because, mother, you fed it to me a few months ago, that night you and dad had that big fight."

"Oh. Oh, that's right I found it leftover in the back of the fridge, sorry baby, I should have tasted it first, I was pretty flustered, dad was being a big douche!"

"What is a doosh?"

"It's uh, just a silly word grownups use, like jerk or dillhole."

"Oh" Jenna kept drinking the tea until it tasted peachy.

They kept driving. Jenna kept busy scoping the scenery.

"Mother, why does every place have the same restaurants?"

"You mean like McDeeznutz and Subway, yeah?" Mom had a peculiar way of messing with names, she'd call BLUEBERRIES 'blubberies', she'd call SNOWFLAKES 'flowsnakes', she'd call HARLEY DAVIDSON 'hardly ableson', she'd call LAS VEGAS 'lost wages' and so on, "Those are CHAIN restaurants."

"Yeah, they're all gross, why aren't there any chain Thai restaurants?"

"Well, baby, those chain restaurants were invented in America for Americans, they serve American fare all around the world now for American tourists."

"But why?"

"Because we like consistency, which means always the same, get it?"

"No."

"Well, have you ever noticed that every place has a DIFFERENT Thai restaurant?"

"Yeah, ur right!"

"And you know how when we stop at one or another the green curry is always different?"

"Yeah, I hate that, I think Bangkok House had the best, I wish they were all that good."

"Exactly...hmmm, had indeed." Mom just realized her favorite restaurant had gone up in flames.

They were entering green hilly country now. It was kinda boring to look at but better than the ashtray outskirts they had just left. Mom was fiddling with her bowl, trying to drive and pack a dank nug. Jenna was always impressed that mom could multitask like that.

"Mother, why do grownups always lie?"

Jenna's mom's first instinct was to defend adults,

"Kids lie too, Jenna."

"Yeah, but it's not the same, kids lie about snatching cookies or what they did at their frenz house, grownups lie about important stuff."

"Like what, baby?" Jenna's mom was truly curious where she was going with this.

"Uh, this whole Santa Claus nonsense for starters, that's just messed up, it's Baby's First PsyOp."

"OMG, Jenna, where did you ever hear the word PsyOp?"

"That's not important mother, I mean, do you remember the cognitive dissonance and feeling of betrayal when you realized it was a big lie when you were a little girl?"

"Jenna, how do you know what cog, uh nevermind, go on..."

"It's like Santa is just intended to groom kids into an incentive/deterrent dichotomy to enforce obedience  when good behavior should be instilled by a cultivation of empathy instead of appeasing a bipolar bestower of shwag. Yahweh wants his barbecue and Santa wants cookies. And even worse there's this big brother undertone to the whole thing. Any discerning kid will figure out that it's bullpoop; Flying deer, going down chimneys, it's all just so insulting, whoever came up with this musta been on shrooms!"

"Holy shitballs Jenna, should we just skip Christmas from now on?"

"I didn't say that, also if it's about Jesus he prolly hates it too. He was all about being selfless and minimalist and here we are trampling each other for consumer landfill..." Jenna was on a roll here, "Let's just take Christ out of it and call it NATIONAL ECONOMIC-BOOST DAY!"

"Good LORD, Jenna!"

Mom took a hit of Alaskan Thunderfuck and coughed.

"Mother, why do you smoke so much?"

Mom hesitated and actually thought about it. She never thought about it like that. She was a functional pothead, it was legal, soooo...

"That's a valid question, baby. I guess the short answer is that it makes me feel good."

"So then what is the long answer?"

Another pause. Mom had to cast back her mind to a turbulent teenage period.

"Honestly sweetie, I started smoking weed when I was 13. Uncle Jerry got me started when...grams -n- gramps got divorced, it helped me cope."

"COPE WITH DOPE!" Jenna squealed with pride.

"You're a clever poet, way to show it!"

...a few moments of silence as the smoke swirled around the car.

"Mother..."

"Yes, baby?"

"I don't care that you and dad are getting divorced, I don't think you need to worry about me needing to cope."

Mom was curious, relieved and concerned all at once.

"Really? Ur OK?"

"Yeah, I mean, we barely saw dad anyway and most of the kids in school have divorced parents and they seem fine, except Lucy Klepper, she's really sad all the time."

"Some kids think it's their fault their folks split."

"That's stupid, that's not Lucy's problem..."

Mom reflected on all that led to the split. He was a good dad. He was OKAY in the sack, brought home bacon. He just...he was a covert narc. Usually that's a woman thing. But Ted, Ted had a way of making everything about him. Also he complained about shit all the time, mostly psychosomatic shit. His aching back, his mountain of medications. If he'd had just sacked-up and exercised, done some yoga...She didn't want Jenna raised in a victimy energy, and she had had enough.

"What is Lucy's problem?"

"She just misses her dad. He moved far away and she only gets to see him on a few holidays."

"Some moms can be real cunts in these situations, you can see dad whenever you want, you know that right?"

"Yes, mother. What is a cunt?"

"Just another word like douche, jerk or dillhole."

"OH, ok." Jenna wondered why grownups had so many words for 'asshole'. "Mother, are you gonna find a new boyfriend? I understand if you want one, but please make sure he is nice, and not a whiner like dad, ok?"

Mom chuckled, "No worries baby, the bar has been raised. What would you think if dad got a new girlfriend?"

"He'd better not, besides there's NO WAY he could do better than you."

"Awww, thanks baby, I reckon he'd want less than me though."

"You had a step-mom, right?"

"Step-monster is more like it. She wanted me to call her mom even though ur grams lived in the town over, she tried to adopt me and then got bitchy when I declined."

"I'm glad I never met her, where is she?"

"Your grampa and her were on vacation at Cape Hatteras I think it was, she got stung by a jellyfish and died in terrible agony hours later."

Jenna said nothing but mom looked back in the rear view mirror to see her grinning.

ALL THE SUDDEN - POP!

The car dipped, spun and slid into a ditch.

"FUCK" mom shouted, one hand on the wheel, the other holding her glass spoon, she was shaking slightly.

They both sat for a minute in shock.

Fortunately the road they were on had intermittent traffic.

Jenna had finished the Snapple and mom's cottonmouth was kicking in. 

Mom got out of the car and looked over at the flat tire. "Well fuck me, it's not like there's a CHANGE-YOUR-OWN-TIRE class in high-school!"

"Really?!" Jenna asked with a surprised look. "You'd think they'd teach that to all the 16 year-olds? What is the point of going to school? Here, kid, learn a bunch of trivia you will never need..."

Jenna's mom began to cry as she leaned against the sedan. She felt helpless. She was also blown away at how Jenna was so mature and naive at the same time.

Jenna got out of the car. She had to pee but said nothing. She looked up and down the stretch of road.

"Mother! behold, a car is coming!"

She wiped her tears away and stood up to wave it down.

A Tesla Cybertruck approached, wrapped in a colorshift wrap.

 It slowed down and the tinted window came down. A 30-something hipster guy with a grin leaned over, "Hey there, looks like you could use some help?"

"OH, thank you, yes. I have a flat and I don't even know if there's a spare, much less how to put it on."

The fella pulled over, got out and fixed his hair. He strutted over and held out his hand.

"My name is Ed, and honestly I don't know how to change a tire either, but I'd be happy to take you where you need to go."

"Cool beans, we live in a little earthship community about 15 miles up the road."

"No kidding!" Ed grinned, "Are you referring to 'THE CLOUDS'?"

"Yeah, I'm staying with my sister Jonie."

"Ha, Jonie is a trip!"

Jenna smirked. She knew where this was going. Grownups are sooo predictable.

Ed opened the passenger side door, they hopped in. It was cool inside, literally and figuratively.

If you enjoyed this Jenna's Mom short story, there's two more embedded in these two rants:

https://rantichrist.blogspot.com/2024/01/effective-prima-freakings-selfish.html

https://rantichrist.blogspot.com/2023/12/the-pedo-files-ad-vs-report-algorithm.html